From the Bench
GOING TO THE DOGS IN ’04
One of the Queen’s dogs is dead. Well, you say, she still
has seven corgis left. No matter. The elderly victim was one of her favorites.
Now, the Queen can perhaps make do with only four Rolls, five or six palaces,
and one consort (that we know of). But to give up one of her corgis a
bit much.
I would not bring this sad subject up, but after woefully neglecting "The
Bench" in ’03 due to a minor health detour, I determined to do better
in ’04, no matter how mundane the subject. And being desperate for a column
idea, the royal family’s dogs looked to be about as mundane as it gets.
Can’t be much worse than Entertainment Tonight, "Today" on NBC,
or Oprah.
Besides, dogs provide an even better source of ideas than the royal family.
Just ask a dog fanatic about his/her dog(s) and, once you escape, you
have at least ten ridiculous column inspirations (Cat extremists are even
worse.)
The worst part of the royal tragedy is that Princess Anne’s bull terriers
did the corgi in. Apparently, not only can’t Elizabeth and Philip control
their offspring, they can’t even control their kids’ dogs. (Unfortunately,
spaying and neutering of either species is forbidden in the royal household.
Otherwise, a lot of the Queen’s problems could be solved.)
There can be no excuse for this lapse of royal security. There were warning
signs. The princess had earlier paid a hefty fine for the aggressive behavior
of her dog. (We just heard, as we finalized this column, that the beast
bit a maid several days back, not nearly as serious, of course, as attacking
the Queen’s dog, but serious enough, perhaps, to exhaust the royal patience.)
It was not reported what penalty, if any, Her Royal Highness exacted of
the princess and her dogs for the murder. Probably none, if the behavior
of the royal offspring over the years is any indication. It is obvious
that the royals have been too busy launching ships, reviewing troops,
and knighting nondescript entertainers to have anything to do with child
rearing or discipline.
My wife would have made short work of such royal foolishness, either from
the kids or the dogs. None of our three, or their dachshund, got by with
much.
“Straighten up or I’m gonna jerk a knot in your tail,” Mama would warn.
She never did it, of course. I’m not sure it is even anatomically possible,
but the threat was effective.
The Queen of England could not be expected to stoop to such common language;
however, royal behavior, like that of most of the later generations, seems
to have deteriorated.
In the coming months, this space will be voicing our opinions of these
younger generations more forcefully, from Bush right on down to Franklin
County, from Iraq and the economy to county zoning, dog control, and the
school board.
So look for no-holds-barred comments this year. And keep your comments
to yourself, or I’ll sic Mama on you. She’ll jerk a knot in your tail.