From the Bench
ARE THE ANIMALS RUNNING THE ZOO?
Contrary to what you might think, that question was not originally prompted by the fact that the Georgia Legislature is now in session, although the comparison now seems timely.
No, what really brought up the question is the unusual number of news items I have seen recently concerning animals. A prime example is the story of the bear killed in a collision on Interstate 85 near Atlanta. It seems that three men traveling north in Gwinnett County were hit by a bear at about 2AM earlier this week.
The story says the men hit the bear; however, since the animal weighed between 250 and 300 pounds, it doesn’t matter who hit whom. Both the car and the bear were totaled.
A blood/alcohol test confirmed the driver’s assertion that he had had only one beer. No test was administered to the late bear, but you must admit that a bear roaming I85 at 2AM is suspect.
"Mad" cows have dominated the news for the past few weeks, and the Agriculture Department has about seventy agents combing the northwest and Canada in search of eighty or more cows that might have been associated with the one that caused such an uproar by stumbling around in Washington state. Come to think of it, no DUI test was administered to the suspect. If it had been, who knows? It might have revealed a fraud that could have prevented a lot of sleepless nights for Ronald McDonald, not to mention the savings to the taxpayers.
From mad cows to contented cows, bovines have been getting a lot of press lately. The Associated Press reports from Albany, Georgia, (that’s All-BENNY to the natives) that a University of Georgia livestock man is checking on cattle temperament. We have long been told that Carnation Milk was produced by "Contented Cows", but up to now we figured that was just an advertising gimmick.
"Not so", says Jerry Baker, the UGA livestock man. Well….."maybe" not so. Baker is clocking the speed at which calves come out of a chute. What incentive they are being offered to emerge was not revealed; however, if you switched from feed to a hot young heifer, we think you might speed up some of those young bulls.
Baker’s theory, and that of other researchers, is that calm calves fatten up faster, and that if you are able to categorize them, you can breed a calm cow that will get to the slaughterhouse sooner. A scale of one to five is used to measure temperament.
Whether "one" is calm and "five" is "high-strung", or vice-versa, was not explained; however, assuming that "one" is calm, my late Uncle Harry would have been a "zero".
He also would have confirmed the calm/fat theory.
Uncle Harry stayed docked in a recliner in front of the TV. He never launched out except for a cruise to the refrigerator. Uncle Harry died at forty-four with a smile on his face, three-hundred pounds of contentment, moored to a Lazy-Boy.
From cows to mice, the news got more disturbing. The Wall Street Journal reports that New York is running short of motel rooms for mice. However, these are not your regular run-of-mill mice that scurry under the refrigerator when you turn the light on for a midnight snack. These are blue bloods.......fifty-dollar-apiece mice.......pampered in special rooms that maintain a 70-to-74 degree, dust-free environment.
These mice are so disease-free that a mouse actuary would insure them for a human equivalent one-hundred and fifty-year life span, but, alas, most of them will never make it to fifty. That is because they are bred to be used in clinical trials in medical research.
A few of the lucky survivors will make it all the way. These will be our pathway to new medical breakthroughs, allowing us to smoke, drink, over-eat, under-exercise, and still achieve the ripe old age of sixty-five.
Seems we take better care of our mice than we do ourselves. Not only do we humans indulge to the fullest, we also under-educate to the fullest.
While our scientists and geneticists are "breeding up" to the best cattle, mice, hogs and chickens possible, our "compassionate" government, thanks to a welfare state mentality and a dumbed-down education system geared to the lowest common denominator, continues to encourage a "breeding down" of the future voting population.
For example, here in Georgia, our HOPE scholarship program should never deprive a "B" average student with an 875 SAT a chance to spend at least one semester in college. And our medicaid system should never deny medical benefits to a family of four making less than $40,000 a year (not counting food stamps and subsidized housing).
These are two of the major "class warfare" issues that will be fought out in Atlanta over the next few months.
If the animals aren’t running the zoo, maybe they should…..at least in Atlanta. They would do a better job.