From the Bench
HIDE THE *CHEEZ-ITS. HERE COMES MIZ BROWN!
Every generation thinks it has it right and the others are wrong when it comes to discipline. "Child abuse" is rampant today, if you want to believe everything you hear and read.
What is considered abuse nowadays was once hailed as good old "spare the rod and spoil the child" discipline, and no one was better at exercising (or inflicting) this philosophy than a few teachers in my prehistoric elementary school days.
Two who stand out are Miz Brown and Miss Phillips. Miz Brown and I endured one another in the sixth grade. "Miss Phillips the Art Teacher" and I had several years to make peace, with about the same success as Israel and Palestine.
I was never quite sure why Miss Phillips disliked me, except that I never learned to "stipple" or "round". More about that later.
With Miz Brown, the reason was simple. I hid my Cheez-Its from her. And if there was anyone who loved Cheez-Its more than I, it was Miz Brown. When I could scrounge up a nickel for a box of Cheez-Its at recess, Miz Brown had some sixth sense and stalked me.
For a while, I made the mistake of offering her some, hoping to get on her good side, if there was one.
It was a big mistake. Miz Brown had hands like steam shovels. By the time she got through grappling around in my Cheez-Its box, they were gone, and so was recess. Soon I began hiding at recess, slinking off to a far place on the playground to consume my Cheez-Its alone.
Then Mary Lou entered the picture.
Mary Lou had large brown eyes and long hair. She sat across from me in class, an eleven-year-old Mona Lisa, driving me to distraction with a tantalizing smile long before I heard about Leonardo’s masterpiece.
As our relationship flowered, we began meeting clandestinely at recess to share Cheez-Its.
Nothing else. I was still in the pre-teen mindset of chivalry, chastity and Cheez-Its.
This went on for quite some time. My confidence with girls grew tremendously during this golden period, but soon the gold tarnished. Miz Brown got wind of our Cheez-Its trysts, with tragic results. (I have always suspected Mary Lou. Some people will do anything for a good grade.)
It happened like this. In my constant zeal to amuse the class and impress Mary Lou, I had perfected some of Miz Brown’s more peculiar mannerisms. Most popular was my monkey-scratching routine.
Miz Brown had a skin rash that led to some most unusual scratching. I delighted the class, and, so I thought, won Mary Lou’s eternal admiration with my performances when Miz Brown left the room.
One day, after my Cheez-Its dates with Mary Lou had been exposed, Miz Brown went out and I launched into my routine. I was especially "good" that day, judging from the audience response and Mary Lou’s unusual enthusiasm.
Then it happened. Attacking from the rear, Miz Brown delivered the mother-of-all slaps to my right ear. It rang for a week, and still gives me problems.
Mary Lou watched all of this, and had given no warning. In the aftermath, she just continued to smile. Or smirk, which is probably the true mystery of Mona Lisa.
No more Cheez-Its for Mary Lou.
Perhaps there was some justification for Miz Brown’s action, but Miss Phillips’ abuse was completely undeserved.
Miss Phillips taught not only art, but also penmanship. I had no talent in either. Still don’t.
However, lack of talent was completely unacceptable to Miss Phillips. She was convinced that, deep inside every child was latent talent in both her subjects. If it didn’t manifest itself, you just weren’t "trying". Sometimes she would become extremely upset, grab you by the shoulders, and shake vigorously, attempting to shake loose the uncooperative gene.
Miss Phillips was big on "stippling", especially skies and foliage. I never mastered "stippling", convincing Miss Phillips that I just didn’t care. She insisted that "stippling" was the simplest stroke of the artist.
Not true. I simply had no talent. Even if I drew something as simple as a stickman, there was always an appendage missing, or, in one instance, misplaced, leading Miss Phillips to accuse me of pornography. I got a severe shaking that day.
Penmanship class was just as disastrous. I would have used the excuse that I was left-handed and wrote upside down except for the fact that Miss Phillips was left-handed and wrote beautifully…….and her "rounding" was exquisite.
Miss Phillips was big on "rounding". Her capital "A’s" and "B’s" and "R’s" were like ripe fruit ready to fall from the tree. Mine were like a deformed man with palsy. According to Miss Phillips, my "R’s" looked like a hunchback with a hangover, a comparison she derisively shared with the class.
My report card always included a note from Miss Phillips, "Needs improvement in rounding." Fortunately, my other grades, except for conduct, were good, and my parents remained calm. They knew less about rounding than I did.
I have always suspected that part of Miss Phillips’ anger was because she never found the "right " man. She was not an unattractive lady, and I feel that I was the recipient of some of her frustration.
It was a time in my life when I was very unforgiving. Youthful self-righteousness condemned both women to hell; however, the years have tempered the condemnation. I am probably none the worse for their abuse, and I suppose they were about as good, or better, than average.
Undoubtedly both have gone on to their reward, and I can think of nothing better than Miz Brown reveling in an endless sea of Cheez-Its, and Miss Phillips enjoying the afterlife with a handsome man who can both stipple and round.
That would be heaven for both of them.
*Cheez-Its is the trademark of Sunshine Biscuit, I think. If not, I apologize to Nabisco.