From the Bench

WILL THE REAL ERIC RUDOLPH PLEASE STAND UP?

The report that Eric Robert Rudolph, the alleged bomber who struck at the ’96 Olympics and later at a gay bar and an abortion clinic, has been captured, leaves me a little skeptical. The FBI has confirmed that, without a doubt, a fingerprint check proves that it is Rudolph. Most of us are familiar with the record of that agency in recent years.

The FBI and other law enforcement agencies spent three or four years, untold millions, and the efforts of over two hundred FBI agents combing the North Carolina mountains in search of Rudolph. Then they quietly folded their tents and left, leaving only a spartan crew to clean up the mess and provide a “show” that they hadn’t given up.

At the beginning of the search, in ’98, the TV screen was inundated with scenes of agents in camouflage and riot gear wandering through the brush like a lost scout troop. While they roughed it on steak and shrimp at taxpayers’ expense, the fugitive was supposedly hiding out in caves and living off nature, amid rumors that supplies of hoop cheese, vienna sausage, and crackers were being bootlegged in by the locals.

After a few months, CNN and the public grew tired. The camera lenses began pandering to more prurient interests, as the president diddled in the oval office. Sex always sells.

The Eric Rudolph flame didn’t die; however, it dimmed to a flicker. Like the legend of Bigfoot, an occasional sighting was reported in a small paragraph buried deep in the first section of the paper. That was all.

Then, lo and behold, on the last day of May in the year of our Lord 2003, on a quiet Saturday morning, CNN reported that a local policeman in Cherokee County, North Carolina, had captured the long-lost fugitive. The official press conference was delayed until early Saturday afternoon, in order that the FBI could have time to get its story together and its operatives prepped for TV.

As this was being written, the policeman was at the Bluebell Café having dinner. (For those of you not familiar with this part of the country, that is the noon meal.) Hopefully, the FBI will let him in on the press conference, if they have time to “brief” him about just what happened.

The rumor that Jason Blair, former reporter for The New York Times, was handling press coverage for the FBI proved to be unfounded.

If any of this turns out to be true, I have a suggestion for the State and Defense departments. Your operatives are having a devil of a time finding those weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Might I suggest a few sheriffs and their deputies from North Carolina.

Better still, bring Andy and Barney out of retirement. TV would love it.

But before you do, check those fingerprints again. You may discover that, instead of Eric Robert Rudolph, you have captured the elusive Ernest T. Bass.